Front porch ramblings

It is a curious thing, my life.  I recently got back from a whirlwind visit to my hometown.  Walking those streets and talking to friends from the past is an experience hard to describe.  It’s almost as if I am inhabiting another person’s body.  I see through their eyes and feel their memories and emotions from decades ago and yet I am somehow removed from it all.  I don’t know if it is a personal defense mechanism or if it is simply a shared experience for those who have moved away from home for a great length of time.

My childhood was a confusing one to be sure.  Yes, there were the innocent halcyon days of adventure and ice cream and swimming holes and such, but there is a dark thread throughout it all as well.  Experiences with the supernatural, studies and practices and experimenting with the “hidden” things.  Self deprecation and harm, drugs, drinking, bisexuality… so much not fondly remembered.

I tried distancing myself from it all.  A new town, new friends, new music and clothing.  But it remained.  I am washed in the blood of the Lamb, yes, but though I am forgiven my mind cannot forget.  I am, after all, a creature full of emotion and memory and sensory impulses.  There are times when the most innocent odor – a freshly cut lawn perhaps – can send my mind to a troubled point of my past.  I thank God that prayer can save me from dwelling on the thing but I am not as self-disciplined as I like to think I am and therefore sometimes give myself over to despair and depression and let it linger in my spirit.

It is hard going back home because home isn’t what it used to be for me.  It is now a place of humiliation and regret… a place full of small-minded people and the loss of innocence.  When I go home I am reminded that I am just a sojourner; a pilgrim through this barren land.  One day I will go home and it will be where I have belonged all along.  I desperately long for that home.  I want to go where Love can send me… I want to live the life I was meant to live…

Thoughts while I waste away in hunger.

I am, as of late, rediscovering the created world and its wonders.  For years now I have been disconnected with the wind in the trees and the sound of rain and the smell of wet leaves.  Living in a medium sized city for more than a decade had changed me.  Well, that and my gradually increasing fear of solitude and quiet.  That came about with an underlying hurt and bitterness toward God that I hadn’t realized existed.  But I am mended and on the mend; my faith looking more like it did at its inception than the years in between growing doctrinaire.

I now live in the country and am surrounded by lovely fields and horses.  I have a hundred year old house with a tin roof and a large front porch and a bench swing upon which I can sit idly and watch the grass grow, the turkeys peck at the ground, and the world pass me by.

My life is good because God is good, and though I have passed through various trials (and shall do so as long as I draw breath) I know that there is always peace and contentment awaiting me if only I dwell on the most important truths in my life and not the lesser… the latter being whatever circumstance – be it good or ill – that I am facing; the former being that Jesus Christ died and was buried and rose again the third day – taking upon Himself the wrath of God so that I will not bend under God’s justice but, rather, I can come boldly before the throne of grace.  I can do so because of the faith authored and fostered by God in me, and because He alone is my lord and it is He whom I serve and not mammon (however imperfectly).

A burger and a beer are beckoning me so I’ll digress for now.  Thanks to burntsienna for the rec. of this blog world. =0)